Geez, it's been a long time. I've pretty much maintained what I worked so hard for last year. Sadly I could have been so much better by now. It's been a very long winter for more reasons than just the weather. But we are on the other side of winter now or close enough anyway.
The place to start could be just writing down some goals. I'm not just tri-ing any more. There are mini-marathons, 5Ks, bike rides, tris, aquathons. I just want to stay active and stay focused and have something to work toward.
I didn't cycle as much as I wished I would have after the tri. This year will be different. I did stay active. I ended up needing neck surgery in early Jan. so that has definitely set me back. But I intend to keep at it. Although I do need to step it up a nothch.
I do think my frustration over several things has caused me to lose focus...well, I allowed it to distract me. I suppose it's just like before - I just have to start. Make up my mind and start. And then there's the frustration of starting over. Again.
The time has come. It'st time - to just do it. Get overmyself - and just do it. Start from where I am - and just do it. Stop blaming - and just do it. Embrace what I can do - and just do it. Stop feeling sorry for myself - and just do it. Stop making excuses - and just do it. Get a plan - and just do it. I need this - just do it. This is important - just do it. I love this - so for crying out loud just go do it!
01 March 2011
26 June 2010
Triathlete
Yep, that's me.
I apologize ahead for too much race detail but I want to have this on record so I dont forget.
45 minute rain delay.
Swim - I should have started either off to the side as was suggested or closer to the middle of the pack. I started at the back and couldnt seem to get past anyone. My goggles were fogged and my sigthing was not good.
T1 - I walked all the way in. I didnt know how my hamstring was going to be since I had not run on it in 12 days. I didnt want a problem already in T1.
Bike - it took a few miles to get my bike legs. But then I was okay. I should have been able to get through it faster but thats okay.
T2 - A little longer than it should have been. Again, saving the hammy.
Run - Yeah. Scared of the hammy. I walked a bit then would try out a slow jog. I kept that up most of the way. The hammy never acted up but I wanted to be certain I didnt do anything crazy before the end cause I was definitely running in to the finish. And I did.
My hammy was fine. My back hurt a lot around mile 2. And felt better running than walking.
Post-race - kick ass.
The whole experience was awesome and Im hooked. I knew half way thru the bike leg that I like multi-sport. I cant wait to do more. I cant wait to start training for the next race. I cant wait to train harder.
It was definitely life-changing. The comaraderie, the encouragement, the excitement, the challenge, the sheer fun and exhileration of accomplishment.
But as of today...I am a triathlete.
25 June 2010
And its a go...
Tomorrow is the first of what I hope is many tris to come. Scratch that. Tomorrow IS the first of many tris to come. Ive got more goals. And I am looking forward to taking the steps to reach them.
But, for the next day or so...tomorrow morning is what this is all about. It will be fun and hard and exhilerating and emotional and calming.
I have soooo many people in my corner. It really is amazing.
This really will be life-changing. In fact, even the journey getting here has been changing my life. Wow, crossing a finish line after completeting a swim, bike, and run. I should send Dick Hoyt a thank you letter.
This isnt the end of this journey...tis only the beginning of my triathlon career. Stay tuned folks, there is so much more to come.
But, for the next day or so...tomorrow morning is what this is all about. It will be fun and hard and exhilerating and emotional and calming.
I have soooo many people in my corner. It really is amazing.
This really will be life-changing. In fact, even the journey getting here has been changing my life. Wow, crossing a finish line after completeting a swim, bike, and run. I should send Dick Hoyt a thank you letter.
This isnt the end of this journey...tis only the beginning of my triathlon career. Stay tuned folks, there is so much more to come.
23 June 2010
By the Numbers...NOT
I tend to be pretty analytical. In a big way.
When I started this journey toward my first tri I didn't really think about numbers so much. Well, that isn't exactly true. I thought I would lose a fairly significant amount of weight.
Of course, then I found the race results from 2009. I began to crunch numbers because I was determined to finish in the middle of my age group. I compared times for each discipline to what my capabilities were...and are.
Several people have told me to stop stop stop concerning myself with places and times and numbers on the scale.
Just finish they say. That's the goal. Enjoy the event...this is the fun part and what I have been working toward. Don't worry about the placing. Just run your race.
I am trying to not worry about numbers. It is both frustrating and easier since my hamstring/back thing that is going on. I really don't think I will be able to push myself on the run like I had hoped. I need to make sure I can do the next race. So, my goal times have had to change. While I am a good swimmer and can do the distance, Im just not fast. I have to reconcile that in my head...I want to be about two minutes faster and that just isnt happening by Saturday. The bike Im not worried about. Even if it is windy I will do alright. THe ride route is fun. I rode most of it and it will be a blast. And then I think about the transitions. Ive never done them before. It cant be that hard...but I still look at the numbers for that too. Or did. I'm trying not to.
Even though my quest was for health, fitness, and athleticism I had hoped the icing would be weight loss. I have lost a little and my clothes are definitely fitting differently. My fitness has improved immensely. Im stronger, faster. My endurance has increased. But the magical melting of pounds away just isnt happening.
Most of the time I dont worry about that number. But sometimes I can't help it. I'm not sure I will experience the melting of pounds but that's okay. I will be swimming faster, cycling farther, running faster and farther.
The only numbers I am going to be crunching now is how many weeks until the next event.
When I started this journey toward my first tri I didn't really think about numbers so much. Well, that isn't exactly true. I thought I would lose a fairly significant amount of weight.
Of course, then I found the race results from 2009. I began to crunch numbers because I was determined to finish in the middle of my age group. I compared times for each discipline to what my capabilities were...and are.
Several people have told me to stop stop stop concerning myself with places and times and numbers on the scale.
Just finish they say. That's the goal. Enjoy the event...this is the fun part and what I have been working toward. Don't worry about the placing. Just run your race.
I am trying to not worry about numbers. It is both frustrating and easier since my hamstring/back thing that is going on. I really don't think I will be able to push myself on the run like I had hoped. I need to make sure I can do the next race. So, my goal times have had to change. While I am a good swimmer and can do the distance, Im just not fast. I have to reconcile that in my head...I want to be about two minutes faster and that just isnt happening by Saturday. The bike Im not worried about. Even if it is windy I will do alright. THe ride route is fun. I rode most of it and it will be a blast. And then I think about the transitions. Ive never done them before. It cant be that hard...but I still look at the numbers for that too. Or did. I'm trying not to.
Even though my quest was for health, fitness, and athleticism I had hoped the icing would be weight loss. I have lost a little and my clothes are definitely fitting differently. My fitness has improved immensely. Im stronger, faster. My endurance has increased. But the magical melting of pounds away just isnt happening.
Most of the time I dont worry about that number. But sometimes I can't help it. I'm not sure I will experience the melting of pounds but that's okay. I will be swimming faster, cycling farther, running faster and farther.
The only numbers I am going to be crunching now is how many weeks until the next event.
08 June 2010
Mental, Physical, and Back Again
I started this whole thing mentally - exactly a year ago. It's hard to believe it has been a year since I announced to a few folks that I wanted to do a tri. And for a long while that is where I left it. Some day.
Some day is now three weeks away. Physically I have worked consistently and I've worked hard. I am doing the physical work. I've had to learn patience. Thank you, Steve. He was right - baby steps. One day at a time. And I would get there he said. I trust him and I believe him so I kept pushing even on the days I didn't really feel like it.
There were days when I was feeling a bit of panic at the tri coming up so quickly. But a week or so ago, I actually began the mental process of believing. I can swim. I can bike. I can run. I can do this. I am doing this.
But I had to be there mentally to get there physically. And now that I have, things are happening. I go faster. I go longer. I push. And I love it.
I truly believe and trust that my body is capable of much more than I ever gave it credit for. But I had to get to that mental realization before I could get beyond my self-imposed boundaries.
I am so ready for this and am already looking forward to what is yet to come.
Some day is now three weeks away. Physically I have worked consistently and I've worked hard. I am doing the physical work. I've had to learn patience. Thank you, Steve. He was right - baby steps. One day at a time. And I would get there he said. I trust him and I believe him so I kept pushing even on the days I didn't really feel like it.
There were days when I was feeling a bit of panic at the tri coming up so quickly. But a week or so ago, I actually began the mental process of believing. I can swim. I can bike. I can run. I can do this. I am doing this.
But I had to be there mentally to get there physically. And now that I have, things are happening. I go faster. I go longer. I push. And I love it.
I truly believe and trust that my body is capable of much more than I ever gave it credit for. But I had to get to that mental realization before I could get beyond my self-imposed boundaries.
I am so ready for this and am already looking forward to what is yet to come.
21 May 2010
Is it me, us, or them?
The problem with not writing for awhile is trying to narrow down what to write about. I will just start with my struggle over team vs individual.
Doing a tri is something I've been planning for months. When I finally mentioned it at work the response was that several people from work would be doing the same tri. CRAP. This was so incredibly personal to me that I didn't want co-workers there.
And I know my company and presumed some how it would turn into a team DIB. ack. That was the last thing I wanted. I debated if I should follow thru and still do the Warsaw tri or just do a different one. I wanted it just to be 'me'.
Then I decided I could still do this tri and not be on the DIB team. I didn't want to be in the team photo for the family news. I don't want to be the last one from the team coming in and have them all there waiting for me. I still wanted this to be just about me. And at this point it was 'me & them'. And my attitude was kind of crummy about it.
A couple weeks ago a vendor sent samples for jerseys. Yep - it's officially being sponsored by a vendor. Team DIB. And guess who is now 'us'. I ordered my jersey and bike shorts. I'm still not crazy about the Team DIB thing. But at least it's palatable now.
I guess it's turned into a balance of me, us, and them. I hope to keep that balance in check.
My training is still me. I do have someone helping me figure all that out but it isn't them.
The me part has been pretty incredible...seeing changes and improvements, and getting stronger.
I don't train with them...I rarely even talk about the tri to them. I will, however, talk to them about it if they bring it up. I will compare notes and answer questions.
There will be a team picture...that I am sure of. I guess it will be a picture of us. I'm sure we will be touching base before the race too...making sure all of us are doing alright.
When I say 'me'...that doesn't mean me all alone. There's no way I could do this alone. My family is understanding that training is a part-time job. My kids are amazed and proud. My friends think I am crazy but they are excited for me. The folks at the LBS - some give me thumbs up and some wonder why but the still cheer me on. I guess I really do have a lot of 'them'.
They celebrate my small victories even when I'm not. They believe in me even when I have doubts. They help me push through.
So, I guess there really is a me, us, AND them.
Doing a tri is something I've been planning for months. When I finally mentioned it at work the response was that several people from work would be doing the same tri. CRAP. This was so incredibly personal to me that I didn't want co-workers there.
And I know my company and presumed some how it would turn into a team DIB. ack. That was the last thing I wanted. I debated if I should follow thru and still do the Warsaw tri or just do a different one. I wanted it just to be 'me'.
Then I decided I could still do this tri and not be on the DIB team. I didn't want to be in the team photo for the family news. I don't want to be the last one from the team coming in and have them all there waiting for me. I still wanted this to be just about me. And at this point it was 'me & them'. And my attitude was kind of crummy about it.
A couple weeks ago a vendor sent samples for jerseys. Yep - it's officially being sponsored by a vendor. Team DIB. And guess who is now 'us'. I ordered my jersey and bike shorts. I'm still not crazy about the Team DIB thing. But at least it's palatable now.
I guess it's turned into a balance of me, us, and them. I hope to keep that balance in check.
My training is still me. I do have someone helping me figure all that out but it isn't them.
The me part has been pretty incredible...seeing changes and improvements, and getting stronger.
I don't train with them...I rarely even talk about the tri to them. I will, however, talk to them about it if they bring it up. I will compare notes and answer questions.
There will be a team picture...that I am sure of. I guess it will be a picture of us. I'm sure we will be touching base before the race too...making sure all of us are doing alright.
When I say 'me'...that doesn't mean me all alone. There's no way I could do this alone. My family is understanding that training is a part-time job. My kids are amazed and proud. My friends think I am crazy but they are excited for me. The folks at the LBS - some give me thumbs up and some wonder why but the still cheer me on. I guess I really do have a lot of 'them'.
They celebrate my small victories even when I'm not. They believe in me even when I have doubts. They help me push through.
So, I guess there really is a me, us, AND them.
11 March 2010
No white towel…yet
Yesterday I was thinking it may be time for Plan B. But I just cannot accept that yet.
I have a problem with my other foot now. I thought it was the Sarcoidosis flaring up but right now I’m not thinking that at all. I’m kind of leaning toward the fall from two weeks ago. I certainly know better than to wear crocks in the snow…but it was only about 2 feet of walking. Huh…it only took 2 steps and I was down.
My ankle started hurting a little but nothing to stop me from activity really. But I did rest it a bit. This week the swelling is bad…the ache is bad. Thus, the conclusion of a sarc flare-up. The prednisone is not helping – a little with the swelling, none with the pain, none with the sensation of a freezing cold foot, and is really helping my crabbiness level increase.
I have an appt with a sports ortho Monday. Until then, I will be swimming or pretending that nothing is wrong and continuing on. But I tried that yesterday and it was not smart really. So swimming it is. I’m even buying a second suit so I can swim twice a day. I can do some of my PT and some of my strength training. I’m holding off on biking until I talk to the doc. The top of my foot hurts, the side of my foot hurts and I don’t want to do further damage if there is something wrong. Maybe it’s sarc and it will just hurt. But I need to find out.
I’m not throwing in the towel…not yet…but I will not wait as long as Apollo Creed either. That would be a mistake.
If it comes to that there is a Plan B. It’s still an athletic endeavor. It would also push me to limits I have not known.
I have a problem with my other foot now. I thought it was the Sarcoidosis flaring up but right now I’m not thinking that at all. I’m kind of leaning toward the fall from two weeks ago. I certainly know better than to wear crocks in the snow…but it was only about 2 feet of walking. Huh…it only took 2 steps and I was down.
My ankle started hurting a little but nothing to stop me from activity really. But I did rest it a bit. This week the swelling is bad…the ache is bad. Thus, the conclusion of a sarc flare-up. The prednisone is not helping – a little with the swelling, none with the pain, none with the sensation of a freezing cold foot, and is really helping my crabbiness level increase.
I have an appt with a sports ortho Monday. Until then, I will be swimming or pretending that nothing is wrong and continuing on. But I tried that yesterday and it was not smart really. So swimming it is. I’m even buying a second suit so I can swim twice a day. I can do some of my PT and some of my strength training. I’m holding off on biking until I talk to the doc. The top of my foot hurts, the side of my foot hurts and I don’t want to do further damage if there is something wrong. Maybe it’s sarc and it will just hurt. But I need to find out.
I’m not throwing in the towel…not yet…but I will not wait as long as Apollo Creed either. That would be a mistake.
If it comes to that there is a Plan B. It’s still an athletic endeavor. It would also push me to limits I have not known.
01 March 2010
Ease on Down the Road
Yeah right.
I’m not that good at ‘easing’. When I have made up my mind to do something I want to do it. I don’t want to get dressed to get on a treadmill for 20 minutes. Oh no…that would be silly. If I am going to get dressed and go to the gym at 5am you can bet I will be on the treadmill for 3 miles.
Likewise, I don’t bike just 10 miles and I don’t swim just ¼ mile.
But I think it is a lesson I need to learn. Even if I am going to be on the treadmill 3 miles I need to learn to make part of it easy until I’m ready. I cannot have a PB every single time I jog/walk. Yes, I will have to push myself to get better but not at the expense of staying injury free or getting so sore I don’t even want to get out of bed for three days.
My inclination is to power through to the bitter end. But I don’t want the end to be bitter. It does feel good to push yourself and do more than before. But easing into running is the right way. It is the best way. It is the smart way.
When I’m going ‘slow’ this is how I feel:
Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine.
But I’m going to ease. I am. Really.
I’m not that good at ‘easing’. When I have made up my mind to do something I want to do it. I don’t want to get dressed to get on a treadmill for 20 minutes. Oh no…that would be silly. If I am going to get dressed and go to the gym at 5am you can bet I will be on the treadmill for 3 miles.
Likewise, I don’t bike just 10 miles and I don’t swim just ¼ mile.
But I think it is a lesson I need to learn. Even if I am going to be on the treadmill 3 miles I need to learn to make part of it easy until I’m ready. I cannot have a PB every single time I jog/walk. Yes, I will have to push myself to get better but not at the expense of staying injury free or getting so sore I don’t even want to get out of bed for three days.
My inclination is to power through to the bitter end. But I don’t want the end to be bitter. It does feel good to push yourself and do more than before. But easing into running is the right way. It is the best way. It is the smart way.
When I’m going ‘slow’ this is how I feel:
Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine.
But I’m going to ease. I am. Really.
12 January 2010
Detours and Road Blocks
No matter what we do in life, there are always times we will run into obstacles. The trick is to figure out a way around the obstacle. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. Sometimes it seems like you run into one road block only to find a detour just ahead. But, do you keep going...or do you quit? I know what I used to do. I quit.
Before I started this I read that when you train and train hard, things happen. Illness, injury...life. I didn't think it meant me. It's only a sprint tri. It's not like I'm training for an Ironman. There would be no issues for me. Yeah, right.
I have some pretty severe muscle differences between my right and left legs. I have been compensating for my right leg weakness for years. The problem is with running and compensating and not the right shoes for me and compensating, I had a very uneven gait. This led to a tendon injury that I took care of immediately. PT and a boot. No running. Just when I was getting started. But, as with any detour you have to find a way around. It may take a bit longer but I will get there.
Just when my foot is better, I have a tooth/ear/head problem. Ugh. Another road block. I cannot and will not get discouraged. ALthough it is frustrating to run into a road block it certainly is not the end of the world. I will take care of what needs taken care of. And move on. The road block will be gone and I will continue.
Detours and road blocks require a route change but you still get to the destination.
This will be an amazing race.
Before I started this I read that when you train and train hard, things happen. Illness, injury...life. I didn't think it meant me. It's only a sprint tri. It's not like I'm training for an Ironman. There would be no issues for me. Yeah, right.
I have some pretty severe muscle differences between my right and left legs. I have been compensating for my right leg weakness for years. The problem is with running and compensating and not the right shoes for me and compensating, I had a very uneven gait. This led to a tendon injury that I took care of immediately. PT and a boot. No running. Just when I was getting started. But, as with any detour you have to find a way around. It may take a bit longer but I will get there.
Just when my foot is better, I have a tooth/ear/head problem. Ugh. Another road block. I cannot and will not get discouraged. ALthough it is frustrating to run into a road block it certainly is not the end of the world. I will take care of what needs taken care of. And move on. The road block will be gone and I will continue.
Detours and road blocks require a route change but you still get to the destination.
This will be an amazing race.
15 December 2009
shoulda woulda coulda
Well, I have my first minor set-back. My foot hurt for a month before I called the doctor. Finally I went in and we both thought it was going to be a stress fracture.
My options were to treat as a stress fracture or spend the money on a bone scan to be sure. After explaing to the doctor that I chose him because he is a sports doc and I am training for a tri - he said to do the bone scan.
No fracture. That's the good news. It is apparently some sort of tendosynvitis. A tendon on the top of my foot is not happy. I start PT today. I can still swim and ride so I'm not completely grounded. 3 weeks in a boot and PT...could be worse.
I should have known better. I bought New Balance shoes. Good shoes? yes. But not good for me and the way I run. I could have gone to the running store and had them fit me again. I did that once and I compared my shoes the other day. The ones they recommended have so much more stability on the in step.
I could have gone there. I really should have. I'm mad that I didn't. The money I'm spending because I didn't would have paid for two pair of shoes...at least. Sigh.
I can't should-woulda-coulda myself forever. I just know that before I get back on the treadmill I will be shopping at my local running store.
My options were to treat as a stress fracture or spend the money on a bone scan to be sure. After explaing to the doctor that I chose him because he is a sports doc and I am training for a tri - he said to do the bone scan.
No fracture. That's the good news. It is apparently some sort of tendosynvitis. A tendon on the top of my foot is not happy. I start PT today. I can still swim and ride so I'm not completely grounded. 3 weeks in a boot and PT...could be worse.
I should have known better. I bought New Balance shoes. Good shoes? yes. But not good for me and the way I run. I could have gone to the running store and had them fit me again. I did that once and I compared my shoes the other day. The ones they recommended have so much more stability on the in step.
I could have gone there. I really should have. I'm mad that I didn't. The money I'm spending because I didn't would have paid for two pair of shoes...at least. Sigh.
I can't should-woulda-coulda myself forever. I just know that before I get back on the treadmill I will be shopping at my local running store.
02 December 2009
The Bermuda Triangle
Unfit. Overweight. Emotional.
My goal from the beginning of this has been and still is: fitness. I am hoping and expecting that along the way there will be some weight loss. People ask me what diet I am 'doing'. I'm not on a diet. I'm just trying to make better choices MOST of the time. I know what I should eat...I don't need a specified or fad diet to tell me what is right.
I've been on diets. I've lost weight and lost lots of it. That was my soul purpose for exercising and dieting. Just losing weight - that is all that I cared about. But, the weight that I have lost has always come back. That number has to be 200 pounds by now. The same pounds gained and lost at different points in my life - always vowing this would be the last time.
This time - I am not exercising to lose weight, though that is important to me. I'm exercising to be fit, to be able to finish triathlons, to be able to run from a burning building if I have to, to live long, to avoid the adult-onset diabetes that plagues my family, to avoid the high blood pressure that is rampant in my family, to keep my mostly dormant Sarcoidosis at bay, to keep from getting a knee replacement, to be able to walk into a room with my head up and not be self-conscious if people look my direction, to gain confidence in who I am and what I do, to be able to run a 5K with both my kids at the kidney walk in support of Jessica, to be able to walk around Australia, go hiking in Alaska, biking in Italy...etc.
I'm making progress in the fitness area. For sure.
The scale isn't moving much.
I watch Biggest Loser and this season has touched me in a different way than just cheering for my favorite contestant.
The emotional part - I did not really expect. I know I am emotional eater. I know you have to 'deal' with things to make that stop. But HOW? How do your reconcile all the pure crap that has gotten me here? There are things that have happened in my life that I just do not talk about. I never thought it mattered. It just was. That was my life. And is my life. But it does matter. Who knew that the Biggest Loser show would force me to look at some issues and let them come to the surface?
On BL the contestants lost weight and then found out the issues were still there when they got home. They lived at the ranch and did nothing but worry about losing weight. They went back to real life and found some issues still existed.
I've always stuffed my emotions and used food to keep them stuffed. There's been so much I am not sure how to begin to 'deal' with it. And what does 'deal with it' really mean? Acknowledge it? Express the hurt and anger and abuse I have endured? Can I do that? Do I have to? Where? How? To whom?
I've always been the 'rock', the 'strong' one, the 'independent' one. Go me. The result of all that is emotional eating, crying alone, avoidance, and isolation.
I deserve better and I deserve more. We all do. I've not been good to myself throughout my life. Now I am. And it's okay. More than okay. The world did not stop spinning because I've had to bow out of invitations to do what I need to do for me. I cannot worry about people being upset if I go to bed early instead of socializing. That is not my problem. I'm not saying I don't care about people. I do. A lot. But I need to care about me too.
Sometimes I joke that I should write a book. I already have a title: I am an Island Because I am a Rock.
I don't want to be stuck in the Bermuda Triangle. I'm not stuck. I'm changing that. I.have.to. Me. I'm in control. But I need to learn to rely on other people. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. There's nothing wrong with needing a support system. There's nothing wrong with me taking care of me. There's nothing wrong with me enjoying things I like to do. There's nothing wrong with me investing some time and money into me. I deserve it. I need it.
Senator Alan Simpson once publicly declared: “An attack unanswered is an attack believed. Let people know who you are and what you stand for.”
The abuse, the hurt, the anger - 'attacks' that I never acknowledged. I didn't answer - I did believe the crap that was spewed from someone who claimed to love me. I'm answering now. I want people to know who I am and what I stand for. The time is now.
My goal from the beginning of this has been and still is: fitness. I am hoping and expecting that along the way there will be some weight loss. People ask me what diet I am 'doing'. I'm not on a diet. I'm just trying to make better choices MOST of the time. I know what I should eat...I don't need a specified or fad diet to tell me what is right.
I've been on diets. I've lost weight and lost lots of it. That was my soul purpose for exercising and dieting. Just losing weight - that is all that I cared about. But, the weight that I have lost has always come back. That number has to be 200 pounds by now. The same pounds gained and lost at different points in my life - always vowing this would be the last time.
This time - I am not exercising to lose weight, though that is important to me. I'm exercising to be fit, to be able to finish triathlons, to be able to run from a burning building if I have to, to live long, to avoid the adult-onset diabetes that plagues my family, to avoid the high blood pressure that is rampant in my family, to keep my mostly dormant Sarcoidosis at bay, to keep from getting a knee replacement, to be able to walk into a room with my head up and not be self-conscious if people look my direction, to gain confidence in who I am and what I do, to be able to run a 5K with both my kids at the kidney walk in support of Jessica, to be able to walk around Australia, go hiking in Alaska, biking in Italy...etc.
I'm making progress in the fitness area. For sure.
The scale isn't moving much.
I watch Biggest Loser and this season has touched me in a different way than just cheering for my favorite contestant.
The emotional part - I did not really expect. I know I am emotional eater. I know you have to 'deal' with things to make that stop. But HOW? How do your reconcile all the pure crap that has gotten me here? There are things that have happened in my life that I just do not talk about. I never thought it mattered. It just was. That was my life. And is my life. But it does matter. Who knew that the Biggest Loser show would force me to look at some issues and let them come to the surface?
On BL the contestants lost weight and then found out the issues were still there when they got home. They lived at the ranch and did nothing but worry about losing weight. They went back to real life and found some issues still existed.
I've always stuffed my emotions and used food to keep them stuffed. There's been so much I am not sure how to begin to 'deal' with it. And what does 'deal with it' really mean? Acknowledge it? Express the hurt and anger and abuse I have endured? Can I do that? Do I have to? Where? How? To whom?
I've always been the 'rock', the 'strong' one, the 'independent' one. Go me. The result of all that is emotional eating, crying alone, avoidance, and isolation.
I deserve better and I deserve more. We all do. I've not been good to myself throughout my life. Now I am. And it's okay. More than okay. The world did not stop spinning because I've had to bow out of invitations to do what I need to do for me. I cannot worry about people being upset if I go to bed early instead of socializing. That is not my problem. I'm not saying I don't care about people. I do. A lot. But I need to care about me too.
Sometimes I joke that I should write a book. I already have a title: I am an Island Because I am a Rock.
I don't want to be stuck in the Bermuda Triangle. I'm not stuck. I'm changing that. I.have.to. Me. I'm in control. But I need to learn to rely on other people. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. There's nothing wrong with needing a support system. There's nothing wrong with me taking care of me. There's nothing wrong with me enjoying things I like to do. There's nothing wrong with me investing some time and money into me. I deserve it. I need it.
Senator Alan Simpson once publicly declared: “An attack unanswered is an attack believed. Let people know who you are and what you stand for.”
The abuse, the hurt, the anger - 'attacks' that I never acknowledged. I didn't answer - I did believe the crap that was spewed from someone who claimed to love me. I'm answering now. I want people to know who I am and what I stand for. The time is now.
17 November 2009
Endurance - how long is that going to take?
I'm not the most patient girl in the world. If I go 2.5 miles on the treadmill a week ago, I don't think I should ever go less than that again - well, unless it is intentional. I don't want my time to ever be less than it was the last time.
Apparently that is unrealistic.
I got on the treadmill - and struggled. I was so frustrated. I forced myself to go a mile. My lower legs were not happy. So, I went to the bike. I sent a text to my guy and said, 'I just SUCKED on the treadmill'. He responded right away. Thankfully. He talked me through it: asking what sucked about it & told me I cannot go all out every day. Take it down a notch.
I tried to do just that. I got on the bike but my legs felt good spinning. SO spin I did. I was on a limited time so I kept my cadence up. I did notice my avg mph was a little higher yesterday than it had been. BUT I have to keep remembering that may not be the case tomorrow. A hard lesson for me to accept.
My guy kept in contact with me for a bit. That really helped. I know he cares. I asked him if it is hard to not go full-bore all the time. His reply was 'yes.it is hard to let yourself slow down.' But I have to remember I am very new to this. It's early in the process. He said to take it easy on pace. Build endurance now, speed later.
I'm inpatient. He must have sensed that and my frustration.
He sent me this: The exhiliration of true speed and effort is earned on the back of long, boring hour after hour of endurance.
Endurance apparently takes hour after hour after hour after hour after hour...
Apparently that is unrealistic.
I got on the treadmill - and struggled. I was so frustrated. I forced myself to go a mile. My lower legs were not happy. So, I went to the bike. I sent a text to my guy and said, 'I just SUCKED on the treadmill'. He responded right away. Thankfully. He talked me through it: asking what sucked about it & told me I cannot go all out every day. Take it down a notch.
I tried to do just that. I got on the bike but my legs felt good spinning. SO spin I did. I was on a limited time so I kept my cadence up. I did notice my avg mph was a little higher yesterday than it had been. BUT I have to keep remembering that may not be the case tomorrow. A hard lesson for me to accept.
My guy kept in contact with me for a bit. That really helped. I know he cares. I asked him if it is hard to not go full-bore all the time. His reply was 'yes.it is hard to let yourself slow down.' But I have to remember I am very new to this. It's early in the process. He said to take it easy on pace. Build endurance now, speed later.
I'm inpatient. He must have sensed that and my frustration.
He sent me this: The exhiliration of true speed and effort is earned on the back of long, boring hour after hour of endurance.
Endurance apparently takes hour after hour after hour after hour after hour...
12 November 2009
Today is a Five-Minute Day
I've read about this 'rule'.
The rule is: if you don't feel like doing your workout just go for five minutes. Who can't go for five minutes? Chances are once I'm geared up and out doing something for five minutes - it will soon turn into 30 minutes.
There are times when it does not. But those times are not often. By the time I get going and get dressed. I'm in. I start thinking about my goals and what will happen if I don't go that day. I try and figure out when I would make it up. By the time I have that figured out...my workout is on. My head is back in the game. The idea is not rationalization. I can't go at the five thinking...oh I will just eat less today...I will work out twice tomorrow...I will take today off instead of Saturday. Nope. I can't do it that way.
But as my coach told me if it isn't fun - don't do it - not that activity, not that day. Okay so 'fun' may be a little over-stated. Maybe not. dictionary.com defines fun as: something that provides mirth or amusement
It could be argued that my running form is amusing or sweating like a really big football lineman is amusing or how my face gets as red as a beet is amusing.
Fun is also defined as: enjoyment.
I do have fun when I am training. I like it when the sweat is dripping in my eyes. I even like it when people look at me as if I am going to collapse. (my face gets really really red) It's okay. It's fun to persevere. It's fun to go 1 minute longer. It's fun to go a bit faster. Fortunately if one discipline doesn't seem fun that day...I have others to choose from!
Fun is amusing. Fun is enjoyment. Fun is good.
I think I've talked myself right out of this being a five-minute day. I'm going to have fun.
The rule is: if you don't feel like doing your workout just go for five minutes. Who can't go for five minutes? Chances are once I'm geared up and out doing something for five minutes - it will soon turn into 30 minutes.
There are times when it does not. But those times are not often. By the time I get going and get dressed. I'm in. I start thinking about my goals and what will happen if I don't go that day. I try and figure out when I would make it up. By the time I have that figured out...my workout is on. My head is back in the game. The idea is not rationalization. I can't go at the five thinking...oh I will just eat less today...I will work out twice tomorrow...I will take today off instead of Saturday. Nope. I can't do it that way.
But as my coach told me if it isn't fun - don't do it - not that activity, not that day. Okay so 'fun' may be a little over-stated. Maybe not. dictionary.com defines fun as: something that provides mirth or amusement
It could be argued that my running form is amusing or sweating like a really big football lineman is amusing or how my face gets as red as a beet is amusing.
Fun is also defined as: enjoyment.
I do have fun when I am training. I like it when the sweat is dripping in my eyes. I even like it when people look at me as if I am going to collapse. (my face gets really really red) It's okay. It's fun to persevere. It's fun to go 1 minute longer. It's fun to go a bit faster. Fortunately if one discipline doesn't seem fun that day...I have others to choose from!
Fun is amusing. Fun is enjoyment. Fun is good.
I think I've talked myself right out of this being a five-minute day. I'm going to have fun.
11 November 2009
This little piggy went to market...
Who would have thought that my biggest struggle would be EATING ENOUGH!?
I know the 3 meals and 2 snacks rule. Even eating 5 times a day I just am struggling to get in the right number of calories. I suppose I could do what I used to do and get all kinds of calories! I think that one Rally's meal I love...nearly 1000 calories.
But my quest is for health and fitness. Rally's does not further me in that effort.
I registered on sparkpeople.com. A free site you can log your food intake and your activities. It *yelled* at me today. I did not have enough calories. So I grabbed a lite yogurt to add to my lunch. I feel like I ate all afternoon...like a piggy
I even went to the market after work -
I know the 3 meals and 2 snacks rule. Even eating 5 times a day I just am struggling to get in the right number of calories. I suppose I could do what I used to do and get all kinds of calories! I think that one Rally's meal I love...nearly 1000 calories.
But my quest is for health and fitness. Rally's does not further me in that effort.
I registered on sparkpeople.com. A free site you can log your food intake and your activities. It *yelled* at me today. I did not have enough calories. So I grabbed a lite yogurt to add to my lunch. I feel like I ate all afternoon...like a piggy
I even went to the market after work -
08 November 2009
Coach...
I enlisted the help from someone that I respect and admire very much. He is incredibly busy but he is taking time to help me, to teach me, to guide me, and to coach me.
I knew last June that I wanted to do this tri. A couple times I would start working out and doing something other than cycle. I had not talked to my friend in awhile and was hoping that he could help me. So I asked him. And he said yes.
He set me on my path to building fitness. He actually did that the day I met him. I doubt he knows that. It was a chance meeting in another city. I was inspired. That was the day I decided I wanted to be better.
I am excited for the next year but I have asked a lot. I told him I want to be an athlete. A cyclist. A triathlete. He certainly has his work cut out for him. I will do the work. I will. I want to. But I need him to help me, to teach me, to guide me, and to coach me.
In case you are reading Alberto...thank you. This is helping me more than you know.
(I need to go stretch now...part of the plan that is his and the work that is mine)
I knew last June that I wanted to do this tri. A couple times I would start working out and doing something other than cycle. I had not talked to my friend in awhile and was hoping that he could help me. So I asked him. And he said yes.
He set me on my path to building fitness. He actually did that the day I met him. I doubt he knows that. It was a chance meeting in another city. I was inspired. That was the day I decided I wanted to be better.
I am excited for the next year but I have asked a lot. I told him I want to be an athlete. A cyclist. A triathlete. He certainly has his work cut out for him. I will do the work. I will. I want to. But I need him to help me, to teach me, to guide me, and to coach me.
In case you are reading Alberto...thank you. This is helping me more than you know.
(I need to go stretch now...part of the plan that is his and the work that is mine)
02 November 2009
The battle will be daily...
In reference to my previous post...
I did lose the morning battle. I'm not sure why but I was very tired. The positive thing about losing the morning battle is that I have all day to win the daily battle.
My gym bag is in the car. I will be going directly to the Y after work. Biking, treadmilling, and weighting (legs). My swim days have been moved to Tue and Thur this week...and possibly Sat. That battle remains to be won. I have a bit of a scheduling conflict that day though. Perhaps this will be a 2-day swim week.
I'm also adding Yoga to the mix. A couple times at home.
The weekend went alright. Sort of. Okay, not that alright but not horrendous either.
Today's battle I will end up winning. Tomorrow? I plan to win that one too.
I did lose the morning battle. I'm not sure why but I was very tired. The positive thing about losing the morning battle is that I have all day to win the daily battle.
My gym bag is in the car. I will be going directly to the Y after work. Biking, treadmilling, and weighting (legs). My swim days have been moved to Tue and Thur this week...and possibly Sat. That battle remains to be won. I have a bit of a scheduling conflict that day though. Perhaps this will be a 2-day swim week.
I'm also adding Yoga to the mix. A couple times at home.
The weekend went alright. Sort of. Okay, not that alright but not horrendous either.
Today's battle I will end up winning. Tomorrow? I plan to win that one too.
28 October 2009
behavior modification?
I am NOT a morning person. At all. Getting up at 6:15 is generally a challenge. But the pool is not as busy at 5am as it is at 7pm. So, Monday I got up and went to the pool at 5. It worked out pretty well and I was glad once I got there. I was especially glad at 4:00 when my work day was over and I could go right home.
The TTH plan is to be at the gym at 4:15pm - right after work. I figured MWF 5am swim and TTH would be bike-run-weights day. By 1:00 in the afternoon I was already playing the game in my head. You know the one - where you rationalize and juggle things around so you don't have to go to the gym. I told myself I would ride my bike on the trainer during Biggest Loser. KNOWING that was probably NOT going to happen...
All afternoon I had the internal battle. I ended up staying late at work which put me 45 minutes behind. I finally won the battle and DID stop at the Y.
I did my 20 on the bike, 20 on the treadmill, 20 on weights.
I still think the activities on said days will work well...with a long ride and/or run on the weekend. And the requisite one rest day.
As much as I dislike getting up early, I like the thought of being done for the day. Just in case something comes up or on days that I may lose the internal battle.
Can I train myself to be a morning person? Or is it going to be a battle every day?
I may lose a battle once in awhile. But the war...THE WAR I WILL WIN.
The TTH plan is to be at the gym at 4:15pm - right after work. I figured MWF 5am swim and TTH would be bike-run-weights day. By 1:00 in the afternoon I was already playing the game in my head. You know the one - where you rationalize and juggle things around so you don't have to go to the gym. I told myself I would ride my bike on the trainer during Biggest Loser. KNOWING that was probably NOT going to happen...
All afternoon I had the internal battle. I ended up staying late at work which put me 45 minutes behind. I finally won the battle and DID stop at the Y.
I did my 20 on the bike, 20 on the treadmill, 20 on weights.
I still think the activities on said days will work well...with a long ride and/or run on the weekend. And the requisite one rest day.
As much as I dislike getting up early, I like the thought of being done for the day. Just in case something comes up or on days that I may lose the internal battle.
Can I train myself to be a morning person? Or is it going to be a battle every day?
I may lose a battle once in awhile. But the war...THE WAR I WILL WIN.
27 October 2009
Getting able...
Not many know about the quest I am embarking on. Well, not until now.
I've been thinking about this for a long time. But I doubted I would be able. The truth is - I haven't been able and am not able. But I can GET able.
I am ready and willing to put in the effort it is going to take to get able.
A triathlon. Some would argue that a sprint tri is 'not a real tri'. But I would challenge those to talk to a triathlete. Ask her how she has trained. The sacrifices that have to be made for training. Yes, even for a sprint tri. It is no less of an accomplishment just because it is not the Iron Man. That would be like telling a 10K runner that it doesn't count because it isn't a marathon.
Getting off my soap box now...
I started...yesterday I got up early and went to the pool before work. I was in the water at 5. I had no idea if I could swim 10 feet. As it turns out, I can! I can swim 1 1/2 lengths freestyle. That is SO much better than I expected to do. I have to be able to swim 1/2 mile in a little less than a year.
After work I took my city bike (Hallie) out. I was a little tight from the swimming but biking sure helped get the blood flowing.
The plan for today depends on the weather but regardless I will be walking, riding, and doing some strength work for my quads and hamstrings.
I've been thinking about this for a long time. But I doubted I would be able. The truth is - I haven't been able and am not able. But I can GET able.
I am ready and willing to put in the effort it is going to take to get able.
A triathlon. Some would argue that a sprint tri is 'not a real tri'. But I would challenge those to talk to a triathlete. Ask her how she has trained. The sacrifices that have to be made for training. Yes, even for a sprint tri. It is no less of an accomplishment just because it is not the Iron Man. That would be like telling a 10K runner that it doesn't count because it isn't a marathon.
Getting off my soap box now...
I started...yesterday I got up early and went to the pool before work. I was in the water at 5. I had no idea if I could swim 10 feet. As it turns out, I can! I can swim 1 1/2 lengths freestyle. That is SO much better than I expected to do. I have to be able to swim 1/2 mile in a little less than a year.
After work I took my city bike (Hallie) out. I was a little tight from the swimming but biking sure helped get the blood flowing.
The plan for today depends on the weather but regardless I will be walking, riding, and doing some strength work for my quads and hamstrings.
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