Is it me, us, or them?

The problem with not writing for awhile is trying to narrow down what to write about. I will just start with my struggle over team vs individual.

Doing a tri is something I've been planning for months. When I finally mentioned it at work the response was that several people from work would be doing the same tri. CRAP. This was so incredibly personal to me that I didn't want co-workers there.

And I know my company and presumed some how it would turn into a team DIB. ack. That was the last thing I wanted. I debated if I should follow thru and still do the Warsaw tri or just do a different one. I wanted it just to be 'me'.

Then I decided I could still do this tri and not be on the DIB team. I didn't want to be in the team photo for the family news. I don't want to be the last one from the team coming in and have them all there waiting for me. I still wanted this to be just about me. And at this point it was 'me & them'. And my attitude was kind of crummy about it.

A couple weeks ago a vendor sent samples for jerseys. Yep - it's officially being sponsored by a vendor. Team DIB. And guess who is now 'us'. I ordered my jersey and bike shorts. I'm still not crazy about the Team DIB thing. But at least it's palatable now.

I guess it's turned into a balance of me, us, and them. I hope to keep that balance in check.

My training is still me. I do have someone helping me figure all that out but it isn't them.

The me part has been pretty incredible...seeing changes and improvements, and getting stronger.

I don't train with them...I rarely even talk about the tri to them. I will, however, talk to them about it if they bring it up. I will compare notes and answer questions.

There will be a team picture...that I am sure of. I guess it will be a picture of us. I'm sure we will be touching base before the race too...making sure all of us are doing alright.

When I say 'me'...that doesn't mean me all alone. There's no way I could do this alone. My family is understanding that training is a part-time job. My kids are amazed and proud. My friends think I am crazy but they are excited for me. The folks at the LBS - some give me thumbs up and some wonder why but the still cheer me on. I guess I really do have a lot of 'them'.
They celebrate my small victories even when I'm not. They believe in me even when I have doubts. They help me push through.

So, I guess there really is a me, us, AND them.

No white towel…yet

Yesterday I was thinking it may be time for Plan B. But I just cannot accept that yet.

I have a problem with my other foot now. I thought it was the Sarcoidosis flaring up but right now I’m not thinking that at all. I’m kind of leaning toward the fall from two weeks ago. I certainly know better than to wear crocks in the snow…but it was only about 2 feet of walking. Huh…it only took 2 steps and I was down.

My ankle started hurting a little but nothing to stop me from activity really. But I did rest it a bit. This week the swelling is bad…the ache is bad. Thus, the conclusion of a sarc flare-up. The prednisone is not helping – a little with the swelling, none with the pain, none with the sensation of a freezing cold foot, and is really helping my crabbiness level increase.

I have an appt with a sports ortho Monday. Until then, I will be swimming or pretending that nothing is wrong and continuing on. But I tried that yesterday and it was not smart really. So swimming it is. I’m even buying a second suit so I can swim twice a day. I can do some of my PT and some of my strength training. I’m holding off on biking until I talk to the doc. The top of my foot hurts, the side of my foot hurts and I don’t want to do further damage if there is something wrong. Maybe it’s sarc and it will just hurt. But I need to find out.

I’m not throwing in the towel…not yet…but I will not wait as long as Apollo Creed either. That would be a mistake.

If it comes to that there is a Plan B. It’s still an athletic endeavor. It would also push me to limits I have not known.

Ease on Down the Road

Yeah right.

I’m not that good at ‘easing’. When I have made up my mind to do something I want to do it. I don’t want to get dressed to get on a treadmill for 20 minutes. Oh no…that would be silly. If I am going to get dressed and go to the gym at 5am you can bet I will be on the treadmill for 3 miles.

Likewise, I don’t bike just 10 miles and I don’t swim just ¼ mile.

But I think it is a lesson I need to learn. Even if I am going to be on the treadmill 3 miles I need to learn to make part of it easy until I’m ready. I cannot have a PB every single time I jog/walk. Yes, I will have to push myself to get better but not at the expense of staying injury free or getting so sore I don’t even want to get out of bed for three days.

My inclination is to power through to the bitter end. But I don’t want the end to be bitter. It does feel good to push yourself and do more than before. But easing into running is the right way. It is the best way. It is the smart way.

When I’m going ‘slow’ this is how I feel:
Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine.

But I’m going to ease. I am. Really.

Detours and Road Blocks

No matter what we do in life, there are always times we will run into obstacles. The trick is to figure out a way around the obstacle. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. Sometimes it seems like you run into one road block only to find a detour just ahead. But, do you keep going...or do you quit? I know what I used to do. I quit.

Before I started this I read that when you train and train hard, things happen. Illness, injury...life. I didn't think it meant me. It's only a sprint tri. It's not like I'm training for an Ironman. There would be no issues for me. Yeah, right.

I have some pretty severe muscle differences between my right and left legs. I have been compensating for my right leg weakness for years. The problem is with running and compensating and not the right shoes for me and compensating, I had a very uneven gait. This led to a tendon injury that I took care of immediately. PT and a boot. No running. Just when I was getting started. But, as with any detour you have to find a way around. It may take a bit longer but I will get there.

Just when my foot is better, I have a tooth/ear/head problem. Ugh. Another road block. I cannot and will not get discouraged. ALthough it is frustrating to run into a road block it certainly is not the end of the world. I will take care of what needs taken care of. And move on. The road block will be gone and I will continue.

Detours and road blocks require a route change but you still get to the destination.

This will be an amazing race.

shoulda woulda coulda

Well, I have my first minor set-back. My foot hurt for a month before I called the doctor. Finally I went in and we both thought it was going to be a stress fracture.

My options were to treat as a stress fracture or spend the money on a bone scan to be sure. After explaing to the doctor that I chose him because he is a sports doc and I am training for a tri - he said to do the bone scan.

No fracture. That's the good news. It is apparently some sort of tendosynvitis. A tendon on the top of my foot is not happy. I start PT today. I can still swim and ride so I'm not completely grounded. 3 weeks in a boot and PT...could be worse.

I should have known better. I bought New Balance shoes. Good shoes? yes. But not good for me and the way I run. I could have gone to the running store and had them fit me again. I did that once and I compared my shoes the other day. The ones they recommended have so much more stability on the in step.

I could have gone there. I really should have. I'm mad that I didn't. The money I'm spending because I didn't would have paid for two pair of shoes...at least. Sigh.

I can't should-woulda-coulda myself forever. I just know that before I get back on the treadmill I will be shopping at my local running store.

The Bermuda Triangle

Unfit. Overweight. Emotional.

My goal from the beginning of this has been and still is: fitness. I am hoping and expecting that along the way there will be some weight loss. People ask me what diet I am 'doing'. I'm not on a diet. I'm just trying to make better choices MOST of the time. I know what I should eat...I don't need a specified or fad diet to tell me what is right.

I've been on diets. I've lost weight and lost lots of it. That was my soul purpose for exercising and dieting. Just losing weight - that is all that I cared about. But, the weight that I have lost has always come back. That number has to be 200 pounds by now. The same pounds gained and lost at different points in my life - always vowing this would be the last time.

This time - I am not exercising to lose weight, though that is important to me. I'm exercising to be fit, to be able to finish triathlons, to be able to run from a burning building if I have to, to live long, to avoid the adult-onset diabetes that plagues my family, to avoid the high blood pressure that is rampant in my family, to keep my mostly dormant Sarcoidosis at bay, to keep from getting a knee replacement, to be able to walk into a room with my head up and not be self-conscious if people look my direction, to gain confidence in who I am and what I do, to be able to run a 5K with both my kids at the kidney walk in support of Jessica, to be able to walk around Australia, go hiking in Alaska, biking in Italy...etc.

I'm making progress in the fitness area. For sure.

The scale isn't moving much.

I watch Biggest Loser and this season has touched me in a different way than just cheering for my favorite contestant.

The emotional part - I did not really expect. I know I am emotional eater. I know you have to 'deal' with things to make that stop. But HOW? How do your reconcile all the pure crap that has gotten me here? There are things that have happened in my life that I just do not talk about. I never thought it mattered. It just was. That was my life. And is my life. But it does matter. Who knew that the Biggest Loser show would force me to look at some issues and let them come to the surface?

On BL the contestants lost weight and then found out the issues were still there when they got home. They lived at the ranch and did nothing but worry about losing weight. They went back to real life and found some issues still existed.

I've always stuffed my emotions and used food to keep them stuffed. There's been so much I am not sure how to begin to 'deal' with it. And what does 'deal with it' really mean? Acknowledge it? Express the hurt and anger and abuse I have endured? Can I do that? Do I have to? Where? How? To whom?

I've always been the 'rock', the 'strong' one, the 'independent' one. Go me. The result of all that is emotional eating, crying alone, avoidance, and isolation.

I deserve better and I deserve more. We all do. I've not been good to myself throughout my life. Now I am. And it's okay. More than okay. The world did not stop spinning because I've had to bow out of invitations to do what I need to do for me. I cannot worry about people being upset if I go to bed early instead of socializing. That is not my problem. I'm not saying I don't care about people. I do. A lot. But I need to care about me too.

Sometimes I joke that I should write a book. I already have a title: I am an Island Because I am a Rock.

I don't want to be stuck in the Bermuda Triangle. I'm not stuck. I'm changing that. I.have.to. Me. I'm in control. But I need to learn to rely on other people. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. There's nothing wrong with needing a support system. There's nothing wrong with me taking care of me. There's nothing wrong with me enjoying things I like to do. There's nothing wrong with me investing some time and money into me. I deserve it. I need it.

Senator Alan Simpson once publicly declared: “An attack unanswered is an attack believed. Let people know who you are and what you stand for.”

The abuse, the hurt, the anger - 'attacks' that I never acknowledged. I didn't answer - I did believe the crap that was spewed from someone who claimed to love me. I'm answering now. I want people to know who I am and what I stand for. The time is now.

Endurance - how long is that going to take?

I'm not the most patient girl in the world. If I go 2.5 miles on the treadmill a week ago, I don't think I should ever go less than that again - well, unless it is intentional. I don't want my time to ever be less than it was the last time.

Apparently that is unrealistic.

I got on the treadmill - and struggled. I was so frustrated. I forced myself to go a mile. My lower legs were not happy. So, I went to the bike. I sent a text to my guy and said, 'I just SUCKED on the treadmill'. He responded right away. Thankfully. He talked me through it: asking what sucked about it & told me I cannot go all out every day. Take it down a notch.

I tried to do just that. I got on the bike but my legs felt good spinning. SO spin I did. I was on a limited time so I kept my cadence up. I did notice my avg mph was a little higher yesterday than it had been. BUT I have to keep remembering that may not be the case tomorrow. A hard lesson for me to accept.

My guy kept in contact with me for a bit. That really helped. I know he cares. I asked him if it is hard to not go full-bore all the time. His reply was 'yes.it is hard to let yourself slow down.' But I have to remember I am very new to this. It's early in the process. He said to take it easy on pace. Build endurance now, speed later.

I'm inpatient. He must have sensed that and my frustration.

He sent me this: The exhiliration of true speed and effort is earned on the back of long, boring hour after hour of endurance.

Endurance apparently takes hour after hour after hour after hour after hour...