shoulda woulda coulda

Well, I have my first minor set-back. My foot hurt for a month before I called the doctor. Finally I went in and we both thought it was going to be a stress fracture.

My options were to treat as a stress fracture or spend the money on a bone scan to be sure. After explaing to the doctor that I chose him because he is a sports doc and I am training for a tri - he said to do the bone scan.

No fracture. That's the good news. It is apparently some sort of tendosynvitis. A tendon on the top of my foot is not happy. I start PT today. I can still swim and ride so I'm not completely grounded. 3 weeks in a boot and PT...could be worse.

I should have known better. I bought New Balance shoes. Good shoes? yes. But not good for me and the way I run. I could have gone to the running store and had them fit me again. I did that once and I compared my shoes the other day. The ones they recommended have so much more stability on the in step.

I could have gone there. I really should have. I'm mad that I didn't. The money I'm spending because I didn't would have paid for two pair of shoes...at least. Sigh.

I can't should-woulda-coulda myself forever. I just know that before I get back on the treadmill I will be shopping at my local running store.

The Bermuda Triangle

Unfit. Overweight. Emotional.

My goal from the beginning of this has been and still is: fitness. I am hoping and expecting that along the way there will be some weight loss. People ask me what diet I am 'doing'. I'm not on a diet. I'm just trying to make better choices MOST of the time. I know what I should eat...I don't need a specified or fad diet to tell me what is right.

I've been on diets. I've lost weight and lost lots of it. That was my soul purpose for exercising and dieting. Just losing weight - that is all that I cared about. But, the weight that I have lost has always come back. That number has to be 200 pounds by now. The same pounds gained and lost at different points in my life - always vowing this would be the last time.

This time - I am not exercising to lose weight, though that is important to me. I'm exercising to be fit, to be able to finish triathlons, to be able to run from a burning building if I have to, to live long, to avoid the adult-onset diabetes that plagues my family, to avoid the high blood pressure that is rampant in my family, to keep my mostly dormant Sarcoidosis at bay, to keep from getting a knee replacement, to be able to walk into a room with my head up and not be self-conscious if people look my direction, to gain confidence in who I am and what I do, to be able to run a 5K with both my kids at the kidney walk in support of Jessica, to be able to walk around Australia, go hiking in Alaska, biking in Italy...etc.

I'm making progress in the fitness area. For sure.

The scale isn't moving much.

I watch Biggest Loser and this season has touched me in a different way than just cheering for my favorite contestant.

The emotional part - I did not really expect. I know I am emotional eater. I know you have to 'deal' with things to make that stop. But HOW? How do your reconcile all the pure crap that has gotten me here? There are things that have happened in my life that I just do not talk about. I never thought it mattered. It just was. That was my life. And is my life. But it does matter. Who knew that the Biggest Loser show would force me to look at some issues and let them come to the surface?

On BL the contestants lost weight and then found out the issues were still there when they got home. They lived at the ranch and did nothing but worry about losing weight. They went back to real life and found some issues still existed.

I've always stuffed my emotions and used food to keep them stuffed. There's been so much I am not sure how to begin to 'deal' with it. And what does 'deal with it' really mean? Acknowledge it? Express the hurt and anger and abuse I have endured? Can I do that? Do I have to? Where? How? To whom?

I've always been the 'rock', the 'strong' one, the 'independent' one. Go me. The result of all that is emotional eating, crying alone, avoidance, and isolation.

I deserve better and I deserve more. We all do. I've not been good to myself throughout my life. Now I am. And it's okay. More than okay. The world did not stop spinning because I've had to bow out of invitations to do what I need to do for me. I cannot worry about people being upset if I go to bed early instead of socializing. That is not my problem. I'm not saying I don't care about people. I do. A lot. But I need to care about me too.

Sometimes I joke that I should write a book. I already have a title: I am an Island Because I am a Rock.

I don't want to be stuck in the Bermuda Triangle. I'm not stuck. I'm changing that. I.have.to. Me. I'm in control. But I need to learn to rely on other people. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. There's nothing wrong with needing a support system. There's nothing wrong with me taking care of me. There's nothing wrong with me enjoying things I like to do. There's nothing wrong with me investing some time and money into me. I deserve it. I need it.

Senator Alan Simpson once publicly declared: “An attack unanswered is an attack believed. Let people know who you are and what you stand for.”

The abuse, the hurt, the anger - 'attacks' that I never acknowledged. I didn't answer - I did believe the crap that was spewed from someone who claimed to love me. I'm answering now. I want people to know who I am and what I stand for. The time is now.

Endurance - how long is that going to take?

I'm not the most patient girl in the world. If I go 2.5 miles on the treadmill a week ago, I don't think I should ever go less than that again - well, unless it is intentional. I don't want my time to ever be less than it was the last time.

Apparently that is unrealistic.

I got on the treadmill - and struggled. I was so frustrated. I forced myself to go a mile. My lower legs were not happy. So, I went to the bike. I sent a text to my guy and said, 'I just SUCKED on the treadmill'. He responded right away. Thankfully. He talked me through it: asking what sucked about it & told me I cannot go all out every day. Take it down a notch.

I tried to do just that. I got on the bike but my legs felt good spinning. SO spin I did. I was on a limited time so I kept my cadence up. I did notice my avg mph was a little higher yesterday than it had been. BUT I have to keep remembering that may not be the case tomorrow. A hard lesson for me to accept.

My guy kept in contact with me for a bit. That really helped. I know he cares. I asked him if it is hard to not go full-bore all the time. His reply was 'yes.it is hard to let yourself slow down.' But I have to remember I am very new to this. It's early in the process. He said to take it easy on pace. Build endurance now, speed later.

I'm inpatient. He must have sensed that and my frustration.

He sent me this: The exhiliration of true speed and effort is earned on the back of long, boring hour after hour of endurance.

Endurance apparently takes hour after hour after hour after hour after hour...

Today is a Five-Minute Day

I've read about this 'rule'.

The rule is: if you don't feel like doing your workout just go for five minutes. Who can't go for five minutes? Chances are once I'm geared up and out doing something for five minutes - it will soon turn into 30 minutes.

There are times when it does not. But those times are not often. By the time I get going and get dressed. I'm in. I start thinking about my goals and what will happen if I don't go that day. I try and figure out when I would make it up. By the time I have that figured out...my workout is on. My head is back in the game. The idea is not rationalization. I can't go at the five thinking...oh I will just eat less today...I will work out twice tomorrow...I will take today off instead of Saturday. Nope. I can't do it that way.

But as my coach told me if it isn't fun - don't do it - not that activity, not that day. Okay so 'fun' may be a little over-stated. Maybe not. dictionary.com defines fun as: something that provides mirth or amusement

It could be argued that my running form is amusing or sweating like a really big football lineman is amusing or how my face gets as red as a beet is amusing.

Fun is also defined as: enjoyment.

I do have fun when I am training. I like it when the sweat is dripping in my eyes. I even like it when people look at me as if I am going to collapse. (my face gets really really red) It's okay. It's fun to persevere. It's fun to go 1 minute longer. It's fun to go a bit faster. Fortunately if one discipline doesn't seem fun that day...I have others to choose from!

Fun is amusing. Fun is enjoyment. Fun is good.

I think I've talked myself right out of this being a five-minute day. I'm going to have fun.

This little piggy went to market...

Who would have thought that my biggest struggle would be EATING ENOUGH!?

I know the 3 meals and 2 snacks rule. Even eating 5 times a day I just am struggling to get in the right number of calories. I suppose I could do what I used to do and get all kinds of calories! I think that one Rally's meal I love...nearly 1000 calories.

But my quest is for health and fitness. Rally's does not further me in that effort.

I registered on sparkpeople.com. A free site you can log your food intake and your activities. It *yelled* at me today. I did not have enough calories. So I grabbed a lite yogurt to add to my lunch. I feel like I ate all afternoon...like a piggy

I even went to the market after work -

Coach...

I enlisted the help from someone that I respect and admire very much. He is incredibly busy but he is taking time to help me, to teach me, to guide me, and to coach me.

I knew last June that I wanted to do this tri. A couple times I would start working out and doing something other than cycle. I had not talked to my friend in awhile and was hoping that he could help me. So I asked him. And he said yes.

He set me on my path to building fitness. He actually did that the day I met him. I doubt he knows that. It was a chance meeting in another city. I was inspired. That was the day I decided I wanted to be better.

I am excited for the next year but I have asked a lot. I told him I want to be an athlete. A cyclist. A triathlete. He certainly has his work cut out for him. I will do the work. I will. I want to. But I need him to help me, to teach me, to guide me, and to coach me.

In case you are reading Alberto...thank you. This is helping me more than you know.

(I need to go stretch now...part of the plan that is his and the work that is mine)

The battle will be daily...

In reference to my previous post...

I did lose the morning battle. I'm not sure why but I was very tired. The positive thing about losing the morning battle is that I have all day to win the daily battle.

My gym bag is in the car. I will be going directly to the Y after work. Biking, treadmilling, and weighting (legs). My swim days have been moved to Tue and Thur this week...and possibly Sat. That battle remains to be won. I have a bit of a scheduling conflict that day though. Perhaps this will be a 2-day swim week.

I'm also adding Yoga to the mix. A couple times at home.

The weekend went alright. Sort of. Okay, not that alright but not horrendous either.

Today's battle I will end up winning. Tomorrow? I plan to win that one too.

behavior modification?

I am NOT a morning person. At all. Getting up at 6:15 is generally a challenge. But the pool is not as busy at 5am as it is at 7pm. So, Monday I got up and went to the pool at 5. It worked out pretty well and I was glad once I got there. I was especially glad at 4:00 when my work day was over and I could go right home.

The TTH plan is to be at the gym at 4:15pm - right after work. I figured MWF 5am swim and TTH would be bike-run-weights day. By 1:00 in the afternoon I was already playing the game in my head. You know the one - where you rationalize and juggle things around so you don't have to go to the gym. I told myself I would ride my bike on the trainer during Biggest Loser. KNOWING that was probably NOT going to happen...

All afternoon I had the internal battle. I ended up staying late at work which put me 45 minutes behind. I finally won the battle and DID stop at the Y.

I did my 20 on the bike, 20 on the treadmill, 20 on weights.

I still think the activities on said days will work well...with a long ride and/or run on the weekend. And the requisite one rest day.

As much as I dislike getting up early, I like the thought of being done for the day. Just in case something comes up or on days that I may lose the internal battle.

Can I train myself to be a morning person? Or is it going to be a battle every day?

I may lose a battle once in awhile. But the war...THE WAR I WILL WIN.

Getting able...

Not many know about the quest I am embarking on. Well, not until now.

I've been thinking about this for a long time. But I doubted I would be able. The truth is - I haven't been able and am not able. But I can GET able.

I am ready and willing to put in the effort it is going to take to get able.

A triathlon. Some would argue that a sprint tri is 'not a real tri'. But I would challenge those to talk to a triathlete. Ask her how she has trained. The sacrifices that have to be made for training. Yes, even for a sprint tri. It is no less of an accomplishment just because it is not the Iron Man. That would be like telling a 10K runner that it doesn't count because it isn't a marathon.

Getting off my soap box now...
I started...yesterday I got up early and went to the pool before work. I was in the water at 5. I had no idea if I could swim 10 feet. As it turns out, I can! I can swim 1 1/2 lengths freestyle. That is SO much better than I expected to do. I have to be able to swim 1/2 mile in a little less than a year.

After work I took my city bike (Hallie) out. I was a little tight from the swimming but biking sure helped get the blood flowing.

The plan for today depends on the weather but regardless I will be walking, riding, and doing some strength work for my quads and hamstrings.